He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Randomize
