Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
