I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
