there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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