your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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