a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
