Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
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