Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Let's paint friendship bongs
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
