Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Randomize
