Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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