You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
