Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Randomize
