worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Randomize
