alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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