Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
Randomize
