theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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