you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
