you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
