Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
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