mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
