tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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