saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
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