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I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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