aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
