he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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