apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
being pregnant is like rehab
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
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