Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
