This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Randomize
