I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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