im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
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