Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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