so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
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