Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Randomize
