She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
