Man, jail baloney is awful.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
