i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
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