Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
