last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
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