theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
