Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Randomize
