Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
