Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
