shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
