college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
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