smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
