I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
