Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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