I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
You ate ashes out of my bong
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Randomize
