i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
Randomize
