My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Randomize
