I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
im drinking this country out of the recession.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
