Whod you bang
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
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