my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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