every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
one might say we're banned from that church
he shaved USA in his pubs
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Randomize
