i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Randomize
